So...Bored

I'm tired, but not in the mood for sleep yet. Nothing just seems to hold my attention tonight. Even Chicken and Chapelles show only lasted about 10 minutes before I got bored. I don't even feel like playing guitar. I used to play for a reason...I had a purpose...I had an audience. The drunk kids in the lobby just arent the same. No matter how many of them there are they still won't give me the joy I had playing for that audience of one. But bah, I'm getting whiny again.Will I ever stop this? Will the feelings I have ever diminish. Signs point to no. Heh, I'm a mess aren't I? Anyway, this weekend I go to SMS to see JHeet and BMac. That should be a good time. A bunch of the theatre kids are going to SETC in NC. Have fun everyone! I think I'm going to try to entertain myself not on here for a while, so I guess I will talk to everyone later.

The Problem With Our Generation

I've been sitting here, by myself, left to my thoughts which is a dangerous territory. During my self imposed contemplation I have uncovered the real problem with my generation. The lack of a cause.
There's nothing to motivate us. Past examples of great motivators include: various wars ('Nam, WWI and WWII, ect.) exploration of unknown places (see Columbus), and even just survival (ala the frontiersmen and women). What do we have? The same thing we had in the '90s. I war in the Middle East and a Bush in office. It's all been done before. We got the shaft. I almost wish there was some great super evil for the world to rise up against, I would be all about that. But alas, I tire of boring the masses.

Something That's Been On My Mind

Last nite my mind was running as it tends to do before I sleep. I kind of feel like Lisa really didn't give me a chance at the end. She just assumed that she had changed and I wouldn't enjoy doing things with her anymore. Now, granted, the last time we were at the house I didn't do much, but honestly I didnt feel well. I didnt tell her, or anyone for that matter, because I didnt want to kill the party buzz and have people feel bad about me. I really wanted to get up and have a good time, I love the theatre kids, but I just didnt feel well. And then theres kareokee...she just assumed I wouldnt enjoy it. I enjoy singing, but not by myself. Take the Darkness concert for example. If I'm in the right atmosphere I can get into it. But I never had that chance. I really do enjoy kareokee situations...at least the few I've been to. But anyway...I'm done for now. Talk to everyone later.

Something That Will Please Lisa

The Oblongs is back on Adult Swim, Sundays at Midknight.

How Was Your Weekend?

A simple enough question. But completely unnecessary in asking. She knows exactly how my weekend was. Most everyone I enjoyed hanging out with like now won't even govoreet to me because they think it might be "awkward."

The way she govoreets my eemya is like a nozh in my heart. I don't know why. It's a malenky strange, my eemya has never hurt me like that. Not even when spat at Your Humble Narrator by the most vehemont lewdies I know, O my brothers.

The Question Of The Day

Why?

Question

Do people think less of me because I DON'T drink?

I mean, I like to party just as much as everyone else, I loved it when I could go to the House Of Love, I just don't need to get fucked up to have a good time. And it's not like I'm looking at the people who are drinking and judging them or anyhing, to each his own. So what the hell?

Random Thoughts In Nadsat

There was me, that is James, and I was skating to Jimmy Johns yesterday and a messel struck me. If I stepped out into the lunch rush traffic... would anyone down here notice? Would anyone down here horn? Would any of my "droogs" at SEMO bother making the tree hour yeckate to be at my funeral? Something dark inside govoreeted me no.

Why does everyone assume that because I carry a longboard I'm from California? I'm not, I've only been there once and it was like 16 years ago, O my brothers.

Why is the following statement ironic? Here, I will set up the scenario for you: I was govoreeting to DFord last nite about what I had done that day and govoreeted:

Your Humble Narrator: I was fillying guitar in the lobby and eventually ended up fillying slooshing ooko to my droog Dianne, who thinks her bf is cheating on her.

DF: how ironic

Me: How's that?

DF: Oh, I messel it was a banda of you...that would be ironic.

I dont get it. Something tells Your Humble Narrator I should pursue the true meaning of his statement more, but something else tells me I don't want to and that it might be the death of me.

Last nite (welly welly welly welly well, this morning, actually) there was a MASSIVE water war on my floor. At like 3 in the morning. Basically it was Mike, Chinga, Zach, Alex, and I ad these tree or four devotchkas I had never viddied before filling chashas with freezing cold water and soaking each other down. Somewhere in the mix (this lasted about a hour or so) I got lubbilubbed. I don't know what the hell her eemya is or even why she did it, but it was no bolshy deal. It was just a peck on the cheek. Still loveted me off chasso though. Then someone broke the emergency glass on the fire extinguisher case and a CA came up and everyone broke the hell out. Mike and Chinga got busted, they have to split a $600 bill...

Is it sad that that makes me think of Lisa? That nochy at her domy when we were watching Donnie Darko and The Baddiwad Dead that she always govoreeted me she just wanted to skvat me and lubbilub me? Is there something the matter with like me because I haven't let itty yet?

I think I'm done now. Govoreet to everyone later.

Random Thoughts

I was skating to Jimmy Johns yesterday and a thought struck me. If I stepped out into the lunch rush traffic... would anyone down here notice? Would anyone down here cry? Would any of my "friends" at SEMO bother making the three hour drive to be at my funeral? Something dark inside told me no.

Why does everyone assume that because I carry a longboard I'm from California? I'm not, I've only been there once and it was like 16 years ago.

Why is the following statement ironic? Here, I will set up the scenario for you: I was talking to DFord last nite about what I had done that day and said:

Me: I was playing guitar in the lobby and eventually ended up playing listening ear to my friend Dianne, who thinks her bf is cheating on her.

DF: how ironic

Me: How's that?

DF: Oh, I thought it was a band of you...that would be ironic.

I dont get it. Something tells me I should pursue the true meaning of his statement more, but something else tells me I don't want to and that it might be the death of me.

Last nite (well, this morning, actually) there was a MASSIVE water war on my floor. At like 3 in the morning. Basically it was Mike, Chinga, Zach, Alex, and I ad these three or four girls I had never seen before filling cups with freezing cold water and soaking each other down. Somewhere in the mix (this lasted about an hour or so) I got kissed. I don't know what the hell her name is or even why she did it, but it was no big deal. It was just a peck on the cheek. Still caught me off guard though. Then someone broke the emergency glass on the fire extinguisher case and a CA came up and everyone broke the hell out. Mike and Chinga got busted, they have to split a $600 bill...

Is it sad that that makes me think of Lisa? That night at her house when we were watching Donnie Darko and The Evil Dead that she always told me she just wanted to grab me and kiss me? Is there something the matter with me because I haven't let go yet?

I think I'm done now. Talk to everyone later.

Tonight Was A Good Night

I went with Greg and Daniel to Plainswalkers, we played in the $10 Magic Draw tournament they have there every Friday. I came in 5th out of 6. Still had fun tho. Most fun I've had in over a week, lol. I came back, got my guitar, and played in the main lobby of towers for over an hour. Just sat and played. Greeted people as they came in, added atmospheric music. I had a good time.

And Now...The Last Post...In Nadsat!

When I was govoreeting to Osman. The reason this has been so hard for me is simple. I haven't had to cope with like any kind of homesickness since I moved down here, because I had Lisa. She got her social on, got awesome droogs, and now homesickness really isn't something she has to worry about. Me on the other rook... The way I coped was to be with like Lisa. Now she's gone, so I have that hurt and now the hurt of homesickness, O my brothers. That's why it's been so hard. But now that I realize this, I can fix it. Tommorow I think Greg govoreeted that he and his roommate were goin to Plainswalkers. I might viddy if I can tag along. That way I don't have to filly bolnoy so I don't have to firegold with like Mike and Joe. LoL. Josh ittied domy today for the funeral. Poor guy. He's keeping it together, but not horrorshow. And I've been so selfish, being as very very razdraz as I am about the breakup. At least Lisa didn't snuff it. Maybe then I would have had a right to be carrying on like I did. But she didn't, thank Bog, and I have to buck up. I'll be alright. We'll be alright. Govoreet to ya later, droogs.

It All Came Into Perspective Tonight

When I was talking to Osman. The reason this has been so hard for me is simple. I haven't had to cope with any kind of homesickness since I moved down here, because I had Lisa. She got her social on, got awesome friends, and now homesickness really isn't something she has to worry about. Me on the other hand... The way I coped was to be with Lisa. Now she's gone, so I have that hurt and now the hurt of homesickness. That's why it's been so hard. But now that I realize this, I can fix it. Tommorow I think Greg said that he and his roommate were goin to Plainswalkers. I might see if I can tag along. That way I don't have to play sick so I don't have to drink with Mike and Joe. LoL. Josh went home today for the funeral. Poor guy. He's keeping it together, but not well. And I've been so selfish, being as upset as I am about the breakup. At least Lisa didn't die. Maybe then I would have had a right to be carrying on like I did. But she didn't, thank God, and I have to buck up. I'll be alright. We'll be alright. Talk to ya later, droogs.

The World Is...

Pretty damn vanilla.

Well I've Tried Everything Else

Now I have to try waiting. I laid it all out on the table today. But she doesn't want me right now.

When I was a kid I always knew I would die alone. Now I have this sneeking suspicion that I was right.

The pizza sucks.

A Thought Before Sleep

The other day Lisa jokingly said she would ger me laid. I told her it couldn't happen. She said I was full of shit, but I'm not, I just never was able to close the deal with anyone but her. I have no casual sex skills. That part of me never developed. I'm really really horny, though.

I Have Plans For Next Weekend

Scary, I Know. JHeets bday falls over that weekend, so I'm gonna go to SMS and see him. It will be good to hang out. Should also help to get my mind off missing Lisa so. BMac's comming down, too, and I think we're headin' to Chuck E. Cheese. Also, if you like Star Wars and want to know pretty much everything that happens in the next movie go here: http://www.tpu.fi/~t4jlaaks/ep3/

Some Humorous Euphamisms For Jackin' It

Beatin' it like it owes me money

Abuse it like I caught ot breakin' into my house.

Hmm

You Are A Romantic

You are more romantic than 100% of the population. You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to. Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you. Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted. Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Something I Learned Just Now

I was bored, skipping through blogs, and I ran across a line that read one persons rain is another persons sunny day. Made me think. Maybe I'm sad, yea, but in the end all I want is for Lisa to be happy and if this is what will give her a sunny day then I welcome the monsoon with open arms.

Last Nite Josh Put A Lot Of Things In Perspective For Me

A very good friend of his died. Suicide. He's home today, so are Mike and Joe. It really put things in focus for me... I may have lost Lisa, but not in that sense. We're still friends, we still hang out. After seeing the guys last nite and hearing the pain in Josh's voice I have never been more grateful for that. She's the best friend I've got at SEMO, one of only a few friends that I have in the first place. It really just made things a lot clearer.

Heh

Makes me think maybe I'm not a geek, maybe I've just been draggin' a matress my whole life.

Nah, you're right. I'm a geek.

It's Really Hard To Sleep

Without Lisa in bed with me. But I guess I'll have to get used to it again. Despite all the whining I've done on here about us not getting back together I'm glad we're at least staying friends. I'm thrilled that she's a part of my life, still now even though it's in a different way. I'm still suffering from some kinda insomnia, but as the weeks melt by hopefully it will pass. Who knows, in my extended pre-sleep state I might think of the perfect way to win back Lisa. Really though, I think the only way that's going to happen is through time. I will be patient, see how the events unfold. If the cards don't fall in my favor at least I can say I saw it through. I still love her and it will be hard, but I'm used to things being hard. I'm gonna stop rambling and try sleeping again. Good night all.

So Here I Am, Don't Know How To Say This, Only Thing I Know Is Awkward Silence...

This song makes me think of Lisa. The only time I ever heard it was when Lisa was around, it used to fill me with joy despite its sad emo-ish lyrics. Now I feel the full depth of the song. I can put myself in the singers place and imagine myself singing it to Lisa. Speaking of singing, I've been doing that a lot more lately. It's weird. I dunno, for some reason I want to go to a kareokee sometime. But that's up to Lisa, seeing as how she's my contact to the theatre kids and knows where the place is. I don't. David introduced me as the coolest guy in the world Saturday. Made me feel good. Don't know why he would think that. Rissa apparently thinks I'm becoming emo. Nope. I'm just a sad Jimmy. It will pass...in time...I hope. But yea. I still want to do crew for Guys and Dolls, I enjoy the behind the scenes stuff. Too bad it has to carry over into my social life. I talked to my mom about getting me a video camera for my birthday, I think she's for it. Yea...while I was just in the shower I had more of this thought out, but I've forgotten it. I will end it here. Goodnight all.

To Lisa

Despite the events of the past week I want to say something to you:

Thank You. Thank you for the best year and three months (almost) of my life. I will never forget you, nor will I ever be the same becuase of you or without you. But above all else, thank you.

Love Is...

...just another word for pain.

-Matchbook Romance

I think I've lost my belief of a "soul mate," seeing as how I just lost mine.

Exhausted

Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Spiritually.


I think I'll walk to Fred's after class and see if they have Code Red, I'm sick of buying it from Geronimo's and taking it up the ass as far as the price is concerned.

I Wish I Knew What Would Make Her Happy

I was just in Lisa's room. I managed to keep my composure this time. I really don't know if she still feels for me the way I feel for her...but like I said maybe I'm paranoid. I just get the impression that she doesn't want to be anything more than friends. And that's ok. Lisa...seriously...if you don't ever want to be more than friends...if you have decuded this already as I'm afraid you have...then please, tell me. I won't be mad. I just need to know how you feel. But anyway....I probably should have emailed that to her instead of posting it here, but yea whatever. Chris and I talked for a while last night, which is bizarre, but yea. We talked about Lisa and me, he thinks we'll get back together. The vote seems to be split 50/50 there, half have high hopes for us and half think I'm crazy for still loving her. Chris asked who I thought would be better for her than me...I thought for a while and honestly I could see her and T-Bo being very happy together. But anyway, I'm feelin really...well I won't put it into words but a couple of movies just finished d/lin so I'm gonna entertain myself for a while. Goodnight everyone.

Watching Cheaters

Doin laundry today. Watching Cheaters right now. This show is so fuckin funny. I know it's not supposed to be, but man. That host is a ballsy bastard. I was just in Mike and Joes room. Alex was on the phone to his woman, apparently I'm now the fifth leg on their table. LoL. They just went down to eat, and I'm not hungry yet so I stayed. Still about a half hour till my clothes are dry...

In other news I started writing again today. Something I haven't done in a while. I'm gonna try to put music to it. We'll see what happens.

Can't Sleep

Tired, but insomniatic. Chris said the others were supposed to call after they left kareokee, maybe hang out for a bit...never happened. Can't say I'm terrible suprised. I felt a little more than out of place tonight. Like I was to be shunned or something. I dunno. They all played nice. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Right now to pass the time before I fall asleep I'm watching Saw. I almost don't want to, not because it's scary or because it sucks, but because it reminds me of Lisa, and the awesome time I had with her on Halloween. So many awesome memories. Am I supposed to just forget these? She keeps saying that if it's meant to be then we will get back together, but I get the sneaking suspicion that she's just saying that to make me feel better. But once again, maybe I'm just being paranoid. It happens. As far as finding myself goes...I've already managed to carve out a new niche in the social structure of the eighth floor. I'm back to being the Gothic Godfather Diego. That was a good time for me. Not as good as when I was with Lisa, but it's the last time before her that I can remember being happy. Last night I just sat in the hallway outside my room with Jer, Chris, Josh, Becky, and occasionally Chinga. We talked, played guitar, just generally hung out. It was good. I have been trying the trying other women thing that Lisa suggested...it's not working. I wasn't lieing when I said I didn't think I would find anyone better for me than her. I really had looked. Justin asked me to look for him, as did Peter, as did Josh. Since I don't really know what their wants are I had to go with what did it for me...and yea there is little to no of that around. But now I'm getting to a point that would make a certain reader uncomfortable more than likely, so I'll stop. I don't want to say I'm counting the days until I can be with her again because I don't want to sound like a stalker, but thats the closest phrase I can come up with. I think her light for me is fading, though. Soon she will probably blow out the James candle that has been burning for one year, three months, and one day...one day today. I can't say I would be suprised, but I can say I would be upset. I had the most pure intentions in my relationship with her that I have ever had...I wanted to marry her. I've never had anything so... so magical. But again I'm doing that thing were I am probably making a certain someone uncomfortable. Saw's almost over. I will probably put another movie in so I have something to listen to as I sleep. Lawrence just started to saw his leg of. Gruesome shit. Chris is still up with me, I don't think he's seen this movie, it's fun to hear his reactions. Still not sleepy, though. Tired, but not sleepy. Woah, for a minute there I thought my nipples had grown larger. Nope. Pulled out a dime and they're still the same size. Good Ghandi I'm a freak. I was suddenly reminded today of the night of the Trashbag Ball and Haunted Hayride last semester. Not because of those things, but because of the thing that happened after I got back. When Lisa was waiting for me... I need to stop. Im carrying on like such a sap. I probably sound really, really sad. And not sad like depressed, sad like... "oh, he's still in love with her...that's sad." Speaking of depression, I decided that it's not depression, I was just feeling a mix of cabin fever and seperation anxiety-ish-ness. Well Saw is over now...I'm gonna put in another movie, set the sleep timer on the TV and crawl into bed. Goodnight all.













Goodnight, Lisa.

I Was Fine

And had been all day...until she invited me to kareokee. Even though I know she didn't want me to go and was just being polite.

Well Lisa Just Left

She hung out in my room for a while. We talked. It was good. I smiled, I laughed. She smiled, she laughed. We talked more about us, we both have a better understanding of what we're doing, what we want, and what the other person wants and overall its a good thing. I feel much better about all this now. We're not a couple, but we're friends. She's the best friend I have, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We're both gonna take some time to "figure ourselves out" and then see where it goes from there. I have high hopes.

Go Here

Read this: http://lookatwhatwellmeantdid.blogspot.com/

now realize how I have fucked up. now realize why i hate myself. now realize why i don't think she will ever love me again. i am a monster.

How I Feel

Normally my nights play out very similar to Christmas Eve/ Day for a small child. I wait and wait and wait and then at a certain point I get to open my presents (ie. see Lisa).

Now... now there are no presents. My nights had a definate high point, something worth waiting for. Not anymore. It's a lot like masturbation: A whole lot of waiting and then nothing special.

I Feel...

Terrible. I just pushed Lisa away... as far away as I could. I told her not to talk to me until after SETC. I don't know if I can make it that long... but if things turn out like I think they will I will have to make a LOT longer... like an eternity.

She's such an angel, really she is. I don't know how I got so lucky. Karma smiled on me that day... November 19th, 2003. But on February 17th, 2005, Karma realized its mistake and fixed it.

No matter what happens between us, I just want Lisa to know that I want her to be happy. I'm well aware that this probably means not being with me... even as a friend... and I'm ready to accept that.

Oh who am I kidding?! I'm dieing inside! And not slowly, either. This is a quick death. By the end of the day I'm sure I'll be back to the cynacle, soul-less hole of a man I was before Lisa...

I hate me like that. I'm such a terrible person when I'm like that. I need to eat now... so I guess I will talk to you all later....

And Just Like That...It Was Over

The best thing to ever happen to me, gone in the blink of a eye, the drop of tear... Over. Words cannot describe the saddness I feel. I feel almost hollow... Josh was just in here, he listened while I said what little I could... I'm still crying... God I feel sick... I don't know if I'll be able to get up for drawing tomorow.
She made me so happy... I would have done anything, but in the end... I dunno... I can't think well enough to write.

Please, Lisa, don't think less of me because I'm blubbering on like this...

Everything I see reminds me of her...

I dunno if this is right

you are steelblue #4682B4

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Holy Shit

My TOD is still up. So is JHeets. And apparently he still updates once in a while. Scary.

I Feel...

Self Depriciative.
Empty.
Hollow.
Cold.
Bored.
I don't know why.

1:17 in the AM

And I am bored off my ass. But not tired enough to sleep. Damn my semi-insomnia. Right now I'm watching REALLY old South Park (The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka) because it's the only half interesting thing on. Mollie keeps talking to me, she wants to hang out the next time I'm home. Yipee fuckin skippy. I don't know when I'll be home next, and I don't really care. I don't wanna go home. I'm perfectly content to stay here, even if it means being alone in my room, such as I am now.
In retrospect I'm lying. I have no problem going home, if for nothing else I enjoy the chance to play CoH. I just wonder why people can't take the hint. I don't wana hang out with a majority of my "old clique" anymore because, well, frankly they piss me off. And they have for a while, but in HS they were the only people I had to hang with.
Mollie drives me nuts. Always has. It all stems from our relationship, I think. When we broke up I told her I just wanted to do it so I could sort some stuff out, mainly the whole thing with Desi, even though I didn't have feelings for her anymore she was being a real bitch to Mollie because she couldn't stand seeing us together. So the plan was remove Mollie from the situation that was upsetting her so much, chew Desi a new ass for being such a bitch, then pick up where I left off. The reason for removing Mollie? I was generally concerned that Desi or one of her friends would do something stupid and I didn't want that to happen. But she jumped right off the James wagon and moved on without a second glance. Even though I told her it wasn't gonna be a permanent thing. And then she expects us to continue being friends like we were before the relationship. Doesn't think there's gonna be any awkwardness. Yea...so she kinda pisses me off. I got used to that after a while, I'm flexible. That and for the most part, on most subjects, I quit givin' a god damn after my junior year. Wow...I've never told anyone that story before. Feels good to get it out, even though I'm not sure if it makes sense.
People got mad at me towards the end of my junior year because they felt like I was abandoning them. No. I just had finally gotten really sick of seeing them. And I didn't have to be nice anymore because after the summer I would never have to see them again. Or so I thought. Didn't quite work out this way.

Here is a list of the old droogs that I can still stand to be around:

JHeet
BMac
Jordy
Samwise
Rizzle-fer-shizzle-ma-nizzle
Jeasly
Zatch
Becca (to an extent)

Now if you're not on this don't panic, it may very well be that I didn't include you in the "Old Droogs" category. If you're wondering, just ask me. I will be sure and let you know whether or not it would depress me terrible if you died.

What am I saying. None of the crew will ever see this. What a way to waste 23 minutes.

Things I Used To Want To Be When I Grow Up

(anything with an asterisk behind it still applies)

a world famous scientist
an actor
an architect dealing in superstion and ancient antiquities (ala Indy Jones)*
an explorer of unmapped areas*
a comic book artist*
a sketch artist (like for the cops)
a writer
a porn star
a musician (like in a rock band)
a psycologist
a doctor
a talk show host
a special effects movie make up artist
a video game character designer*
an artist*
a marine
a marine biologist
a pofesional scuba diver
a pro skater
a taekwondo teacher
a photographer


Thats all i can think of for now.

Grace Cafe rules

that is all

This is a very low quality picture of MidKnight as he exists within City of Heroes.

AOL Sucks

AOL sucks hardcore. I hate them. I wish them great harm. Not really. They've just been dicking me around for some time now and I'm sick of it. QUIT TAKING MY MONEY YOU GREEDY BASTARDS! That is all.







Fuck AOL.

I made this last semester while playing with photoshop. Thought it might be entertaining to some.

Fuck

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
Mother Mother Fuck
Mother Mother Fuck Fuck
Mother Fuck
Mother Fuck
Noich, Noich Noich
1, 2
1, 2, 3, 4
Noich Noich Noich
Smokin Weed, Smokin Weed
Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beer
Drinkin' Beer Beer Beer
Rollin Fatties
Smokin' Blunts
Who's Got The Blunts?
We Got The Blunts!
Rollin' Blunts And Smokin' Fa-

(Interlude)

Fifteen Bucks, Little Man!
Put That Shit
In My Hand
If That Money Doesn't Show
Then You Owe Me
Owe Me
Owe

My Jungle Love
Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh
I Think I Wanna Know Ya
Know Ya