Can't Sleep

Tired, but insomniatic. Chris said the others were supposed to call after they left kareokee, maybe hang out for a bit...never happened. Can't say I'm terrible suprised. I felt a little more than out of place tonight. Like I was to be shunned or something. I dunno. They all played nice. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Right now to pass the time before I fall asleep I'm watching Saw. I almost don't want to, not because it's scary or because it sucks, but because it reminds me of Lisa, and the awesome time I had with her on Halloween. So many awesome memories. Am I supposed to just forget these? She keeps saying that if it's meant to be then we will get back together, but I get the sneaking suspicion that she's just saying that to make me feel better. But once again, maybe I'm just being paranoid. It happens. As far as finding myself goes...I've already managed to carve out a new niche in the social structure of the eighth floor. I'm back to being the Gothic Godfather Diego. That was a good time for me. Not as good as when I was with Lisa, but it's the last time before her that I can remember being happy. Last night I just sat in the hallway outside my room with Jer, Chris, Josh, Becky, and occasionally Chinga. We talked, played guitar, just generally hung out. It was good. I have been trying the trying other women thing that Lisa suggested...it's not working. I wasn't lieing when I said I didn't think I would find anyone better for me than her. I really had looked. Justin asked me to look for him, as did Peter, as did Josh. Since I don't really know what their wants are I had to go with what did it for me...and yea there is little to no of that around. But now I'm getting to a point that would make a certain reader uncomfortable more than likely, so I'll stop. I don't want to say I'm counting the days until I can be with her again because I don't want to sound like a stalker, but thats the closest phrase I can come up with. I think her light for me is fading, though. Soon she will probably blow out the James candle that has been burning for one year, three months, and one day...one day today. I can't say I would be suprised, but I can say I would be upset. I had the most pure intentions in my relationship with her that I have ever had...I wanted to marry her. I've never had anything so... so magical. But again I'm doing that thing were I am probably making a certain someone uncomfortable. Saw's almost over. I will probably put another movie in so I have something to listen to as I sleep. Lawrence just started to saw his leg of. Gruesome shit. Chris is still up with me, I don't think he's seen this movie, it's fun to hear his reactions. Still not sleepy, though. Tired, but not sleepy. Woah, for a minute there I thought my nipples had grown larger. Nope. Pulled out a dime and they're still the same size. Good Ghandi I'm a freak. I was suddenly reminded today of the night of the Trashbag Ball and Haunted Hayride last semester. Not because of those things, but because of the thing that happened after I got back. When Lisa was waiting for me... I need to stop. Im carrying on like such a sap. I probably sound really, really sad. And not sad like depressed, sad like... "oh, he's still in love with her...that's sad." Speaking of depression, I decided that it's not depression, I was just feeling a mix of cabin fever and seperation anxiety-ish-ness. Well Saw is over now...I'm gonna put in another movie, set the sleep timer on the TV and crawl into bed. Goodnight all.













Goodnight, Lisa.