Update

It's been a while since I've thought about my mother's father. I've never met him, never desired to. He walked out on my mom, grandma, and uncle when my mother was three, didn't contact them until I was 6 or 7.
I found out today that 5 years ago this stranger who has had such a major impact in my life died. My mom just found out this weekend. She got a copy of the obituary after she heard. No mention of cause of death, no mention of my mom or uncle either. She's getting a copy of the death certificate to see what caused it, make sure it isn't something genetic.
The best feeling in the entire world is when you wake up and know that somewhere out there is a person that has to see you. The knowledge that you are needed. Not for any particular reason, just the knowledge that for things to operate smoothly, you need to be there.
That's why I can't wait to be a father. Even though my children will probably be among the most twisted in the world, I can't wait for them to be there. As much as I say I hate children, it's a lie. I want them, and a family that goes with them. I almost had that, at least I thought I did.
But that's of no consequence to current times. What's done is done, it cannot be undone, nor would I wish it. I am what I am at this very moment because of all of the things that have happened to me up until now.
I need to clean.